By Bill Zwerger
Apparently, rubber gloves are the new plastic bags.
The irony is almost too rich. In the weeks since usually levelheaded people, scared witless about contracting a bad cold, starting donning disposable rubber gloves to prevent the spread of the dreaded Chinese virus, a new and very much so unsavory problem has subsequently arisen. To wit: Many of these same “health conscious” germaphobes have taken to dropping their used, potentially virus covered, formerly lifesaving gloves wherever they damn well please, including sidewalks, roadsides, and store entries/exits. This extremely selfish act is not only putting their fellow citizens at great risk for contracting the very illness they were fortunate enough to avoid by wearing these metacarpal prophylactics, but perhaps even worse, they are endangering the welfare of every fish, amphibian, and waterfowl who might come in contact with them once they blow hither and yon into nearby bodies of water like so many… um, er… single-use plastic bags.
For all you skeptics out there, I offer up the following eyewitness account, as well as stories of this exact occurrenceas verification of this novel menace. As an avid cyclist and runner, I spend inordinate amounts of time on the roads in and around my home (aka lockdown prison,) even more so now to spare my dear wife the discomfort of my now almost constant, unbearable presence. At first, I only spotted the odd pair, here and there (yeah I know, I’m a poet as well.) But lately, it’s more like an epidemic of improperly disposed and contaminated latex spores. The things are everywhere! I swear I can’t run or ride a quarter mile without have to swerve or change sides of the road to avoid coming in contact with them. The worst part is that without wearing a mask (it’s already hard enough to keep properly oxygenated without artificially lowering my lung capacity by 50%) I’m exposing myself to all those remnants of human effluvia left behind on the discarded gloves. What’s a grown, endorphin jonesing man, riddled with ADHD supposed to do now? Huh?
So all you covidiots out there, please, for the sake of your fellow man, keep our streets, parks, and public entryways free and clear from this potentially life-threatening yet avoidable risk. Heck, if you’re like me and have a five-year supply of plastic bags in your two car (but only one usable bay) garage, if you save all those used gloves, you can always use them as balloons once we’re allowed to have birthday parties again.